Insecurities and Changes

                

       What if I told you I’m not as confident as I once was –or thought I was-? What if  I told  you I hate having to go into work because I don’t like the way my clothes fit or the fact I am constantly reminded  that I can’t fit any clothes in the store? What if I told you I try to exercise but I give up after a week or two because I don’t see progress fast enough? What if I told you I hate going swimming –even though it’s my favorite summer activity- because I feel like I’m being judged for wearing a two piece swimsuit? What if I told you I’ve been hiding out in my room because I spend so much time worrying what others are thinking when they see me? What if I told you I preach confidence and self- love but recently I’ve seem to misplace mine?

      

    For some time now I’ve felt my self-love and confidence just crash, it feels like a never ending game of hide and seek minus being able to yell “Olly olly oxen free”. Normally, when this tends to happen I would throw on my favorite dress and jam out to an upbeat playlist full of the confident women I adore. Recently, that hasn’t been working even when I really want it to I just sit and listen to the playlist while scrolling through the fitspo tag on Tumblr cursing the way I was built. Don’t get me wrong there are days where I feel absolutely amazing but as soon as I step out the door, spot someone slightly thinner than I am or I try to take a selfie all I see are the things I don’t like about myself.  On these days I question if I can ever pull myself out of the hole of self-hate and return to the place where I was confident and in love with myself as a whole not just a certain feature on a certain day.

                 I guess this all started when I went to the doctor and he told me in the nicest way possible that I need to lose 30 pounds even though I’m healthy. How do you even come back from that? How do you deal with someone who is trained to help you live a healthier life tell you in the kindest way you need to shed some weight? At the time, I just brushed it off and kept going about my day as if I hear something like that every day. A few days later I’m tempted to throw all of my clothes away and stay in my room in the baggiest clothes I can find until it’s time for me to move to New York.

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                Today I had an a-ha moment instead of hiding in my room day in and day out reading- which I uses to do no matter how I felt- I should be fighting my insecurities head on and start making the changes that will make me happy. Instead of bumming it out in my house I should exercising a bit more and working on eating better than I do know. Even though I’m not 100% happy with the way I look at the moment, doesn’t mean I never have. I think it’s finally time to make that change I’ve always wanted to make. It took me a moment to realize I may never look exactly like those women under the fitspo tag and I shouldn’t strive to look like that. I should strive to be a healthier and happier version of myself, I should strive to be skinny or thin I should strive towards being fit.

                I truly believe you should love yourself the way you were made and learn to accept the way you were made even if you want to transform the way you look now into a healthier more fit person. I also feel like you need to understand that what society shows as beautiful is a distorted image that does affect the way people see themselves. Yes, there are many celebrities who are breaking that image, but sometimes that just isn’t enough. The point I’m trying to get across is that sometimes no matter how confident and in love with yourself there does come a time where making a change is something that could be good for you.

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                Always remember that you are beautiful just the way you are –obviously I’ve been listening to a lot of Bruno Mars lately-. Don’t let the idea of change overshadow the beauty that is you. Don’t strive to be a size 0 when you’re happiest at a size 10. Don’t let someone tell you making a positive change is something a confident person wouldn’t so because it is it’s a part a life. Remember to strive for happiness not perfection.

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Sending you peace, love and happiness

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